If I Hadn't Met you (あなたに出会わなければ)
by GinHijiLoveChild
Summary: shortly after the Shinsengumi left Edo, Hijikata started noticing something changing in him. he was sleepless and he was haunted by the image of someone who he "hated". he had changed, he feel incomplete, but why? the answer was in a piece of paper given to him by Kondo Isao. (contain spoiler from the farewell shinsengumi arc )


_Itsumo yume no naka de wa anata wa waratteru_

In my dreams, you've always been laughing

XXXX

 _I can still recall the disgusting sweetness in my mouth and your laugh that resonates in my ears._

XXXX

The brightly shining summer sun didn't stop him from doing his practice swings. Accompanied by the chirps of the birds, he danced with his bokuto till the sun slowly crawled away into the horizon. The glistening beads of sweat slowly crawled down his forehead to his cheek.

Damn it.

As if there was someone holding his feet down, he wasn't able to dance beautifully like he used to. As if someone was chaining his body down, he wasn't able soar high like he used to. Wiping the sweat away, he continued swinging his bokuto (wooden sword) trying to get the rhythm of his dance, but it was to no avail. The rhythm of his sword was broken.

"Tosshi...isn't that enough practice swings for one day?"

Ignoring the familiar voice he heard, he continued swinging his bokuto, still trying to compose the rhythm of his sword.

"Tosshi..."

"Just a little bit more Kondo san."

"I have some dango with me and some mayonnaise too."

He let out a sigh as he put the bokuto away.

"Man it's really hard to find mayonnaise here. I have to go to the next village just to find it, you know. It's so far."

"Why did you bother going then?" he said as he sat down next to him

"Because I know you haven't had any for quite some time. "

"Kondo san, you really don't have to-"

"it's ok, this is the only thing I can do for now." The other male took out a box of cigarette out of the slit on his sleeve (of his yukata) and handed it to Hijikata. He let out a soft sigh before taking the box of cigarette from his hand.

"thank you."

"you know Toshi, the dango obaachan here is really kind. She gave an extra dango. And her dango is so tasty, just like the one in Edo."

"there's only one though."

"Sougo and I had eaten ours."

Hijikata let out a soft hum as he took the dango from the plate, squirting a good amount of mayonnaise on it. It was an obvious lie and he could tell it right away. With their current status, it is hard to survive with the limited finance the shinsengumi have now. He knew it better than anyone else. But for Kondo to go all the way to another village just for a box of cigarette and a bottle of mayonnaise, he knew there was something bothering him. A bite was taken as he waits for Kondo's next words. But there were none, Kondo's gaze was fixed to the sky that was slowly turning orange before disappearing completely. There was only silence, a loud screaming silence between the two.

XXXX

" I'm sorry."

"Kondo-san-"

"I am sorry that because of me, we have to get out of Edo. If only I hadn't gotten you involved...If only I had been the one who held all the blame like what i'm supposed to do, this thing wouldn't have happened to you. You would still be in Edo with - "

"What rubbish are you spitting out Kondo san? Did you eat any rotten bananas on your way back? That's going to be troublesome."

Kondo let out a soft snicker. "Maybe. I'm not quite sure myself."

The run down dojo creaked whenever they moved. It has been too long since they left it for Edo. The creaking sound was accompanying the two of them along with the screams of the cricket. He stole glances at him, trying to read his expression, but the scar across his face distracted him. The images of the nightmare he used to have flashed upon before his eyes. The commander of the shinsengumi's bodiless head was burnt into his mind despite it being just a nightmare. But because of "him" the nightmare was only a nightmare. Because of him, the person he respected the most is still besides him, enjoying the night view with him. And because of him too, his swings felt empty. His sleepless night was haunted by his smile, his laughter and his warmth.

XXXX

 _Moshimo negai ga hitotsu kanau no nara_

If a single wish of mine could be granted,

 _mou ichido furete hoshii_

I want to touch you once again

XXXX

He was yanked back to reality when the floor of the dojo creaked as Kondo got down from the place he was sitting at.

"I'm heading back then."

"I want to do some more practice swings before I go back."

"Your hand won't hold out that way. It's already that red."

"Kondo san, it's fine. I know my limit."

Kondo could only sigh.

"If you need an ointment afterwards, I have it in my room."

Hijikata nodded and took the pack of cigarette he had placed on his side.

"Toshi..."

"hmm?"

"I hope you will get a good night sleep tonight. Sorry for holding on it for too long."

"Kondo san, what do you mean?"

Kondo let out a soft laugh before he shrugged and left him puzzled.

"He definitely ate some rotten bananas just now." He smiled as he opened the pack of cigarette, only to find it to be empty.

"Sougo. That brat."

He sighed as he threwthe pack of empty cigarettes to the ground.

"Well, I still have this. I just need rice now-" a piece of paper peeking out from outside of the cigarette box caught his attention. "What's this?" he thought to himself as he bent down.

XXXX

 _Oogushi kun,_

 _You should stop smoking_

 _And stop eating that dog food or else your V-bang will come to life and make you uglier than you already are._

 _I will be waiting for the day for our swords to cross again,_

 _And the day when we can eat dango together_

 _Until then, make sure you won't let anyone else kill you before I do._

 _Remember that Hijikata._

 _Make sure you don't die till you hear what I have to say to you._

 _-Gintoki-_

XXXX

 _Anata ni deawanakereba konna ni setsunakute_

If I hadn't met you there wouldn't have been

 _Mune wo shimetsukeru koto mo nakatta...soredemo_

such a heartrending clenching in my chest

XXXX

"Bastard...who ...the hell... you.. calling... Oogushi...?" the crumpled note, he held tight in his hand. His chest tightened and he could only let out a soft, forced laugh. The images of him were flashing in his eyes, suffocating his breath. The longing he felt was almost unbearable.

"Bastard, that's the same to you. Don't die before me, Gintoki. Not until you hear what I want to say"

XXXX

 _Aishiteru'nda yo_

I love you

XXXX

"That bastard is loud as ever. He's so damn noisy with his kyoukuchuu hattou shit again. "

Kondo let out a soft laugh.

"Glad to have you back Toshi"


End file.
